Angel-in-a Rose

Go Lisa! It's Your Birthday!

2010-04-05T17:29:00.002-07:00

Gonna party like it's your birthday!

Well, not really. This year I'm not so into my birthday. Maybe it's because of the number (31, or as I was saying last Wednesday 25 for the 6th time), maybe it's because my favorite spot to celebrate just closed down last week. Or maybe it's because every year that I get totally excited and plan something spectacular (or only mildly amusing), it always turns out to be disappointing.

Last year I had a big shin-dig planned for my 30th, but I was horribly horribly sick and had to cancel it. Some close friends and I went out for dinner then next week, but it just wasn't the same.

This year I'm just all shades of depressed, and I'm not expecting anything, not even presents. I've been a hermit for the past year, not working much and mooching of my parents. I wasn't even expecting the traditional check from the parents this year, in fact I was hoping I wouldn't get one. I don't feel like I deserve it. So I thank my dad for giving me an iTunes gift card instead.

I can only hope that this year will turn out even slightly better than last year. It would be nice to have a job throughout the whole year instead of just now and then. And maybe one day I'll find that elusive shiny button that you push and your life just falls together perfectly. Once day... Not today though...

Love/Hate Spell Checker

2010-02-09T23:13:00.002-08:00

I love/hate spell checker. I hate that it wants to correct all my Canadian spellings into American. I WANT it to say colour and neighbour.

Right now it's telling me that my last name, Farquharson, might actually be: Urquhart, Arsonist, Parsonage, Stockhausen or Factiousness.

Things I Call My Cat.

2010-01-26T00:49:00.003-08:00

Things I Call My Cat:

Muffin (her real name)
Beetle Butt
Sugar Butt
Baby
Baby Girl
Princess
Kitty
Smelly Cat
Smelly Butt
Fatty
Sweetie
Poopy Pants
Fluffy

Yarn Haul!!

2010-01-08T21:47:00.010-08:00

I totally just realized that I forgot to update my Christmas yarn haul on here. Dressew is EVIL!! $1.99 a ball!?!?

So the story is, I went to Vancouver before Christmas to be a nice and drive my sister up here for the holidays. She had to work on the 23rd and I figured if I got there the night before, then I'd have plenty of time to check out the yarn stores down there since I'd never been. First Yarn stop (not the first stop of the day, in fact by this time I'd already spent most of my budget) was Sweet Georgia Yarns, a lovely lady who has a dye studio that's not really a shop, but you can drop by and see her doin her thing.
An unassuming building:

What you see when the elevator door opens:

I got 2 skeins of Fairy Floss (Purple), and after Christmas I went back and got 2 skeins of Big Buttercrunch

Next stop was Birkeland Bros. where I picked up a little bit of roving. And after MUCH to much walking I made it to Three Bags Full, where I picked up my first 2 balls of Noro.

Then I was headed down to East Hastings to check out Bad Anna's (which was totally awesome AND having a sale the day I was driving my sister BACK to Van) where the totally awesome girl told me about the yarn they had at Dressew for $1.99 a ball. I wasn't originally going to go there as it's mostly just acrylic junk, but they had some 100% wool too, and as it turns out, some yarn that I had been looking for in Kamloops and couldn't find.

So things got a little out of hand there:

Knitting Knot

2010-01-08T21:33:00.003-08:00

It's ridiculously hard to motivate myself to get knitting again. I still still have a million gazillion projects that need to be finished, and I don't want to pick up a single one. I apparently would rather spend all my time in front of the computer.

Maybe it's because all these projects are in the beginning stages and aren't nearly close to being finished so it's not like I can go "Oh! I'll just finish up this one!" and get into the groove again. They're all just monotonous and boring stitches too. Or I have to frog and start over on some... I did start a new scarf with a heavy cable (getting ready for next winter YAY me!!) but, I didn't like the gauge and I don't have any bigger needles, so I have to go buy some. And I stepped on the needle that it's on and broke it (grama's old plastic ones so no real big lose). I have the knitting blahs. Maybe I should try spinning for a bit. I'm sure increasing my yarn supply EVEN more will motivate me to knit more. NOT!!

In other news, I opened up my Etsy Store!! Yay!! You can now by my stitch markers and jewelry sets at Pandalina.etsy.com. And what ever I decide to make and put up there in the future. I just got a yummy book on how to make soaps and bath bombs GLEE!! Need to get supplies for that now. Why do all the things I like to do require me spending money I don't have? Well, I guess that's why they have etsy! Good thing there's a good sale at Michael's this weekend.

I've also got to get a shaped cake pan for a 4 y/o. My little princess Quinn's birthday!! Haven't made one of my cakes in FOREVER!! So yummy!!

Christmas 2009 Haul

2009-12-25T11:31:00.005-08:00

All I got for Christmas was:

Gift cards for: Esso, iTunes, Michael's, Visa gift card

The Guild Seasons 1 & 2

Flannel PJ's

2 Nightshirts

2 pairs of Lounge Pants

6 pairs of Socks

4 pairs Fuzzy Socks

The Joy of Socks (sock knitting book)

Fuzzy slipper boots

A pink Neoprene sleeve for my laptop

Daily Calendar that you fold into paper airplanes instead of just throwing away

Scented Pencil crayons made from recycled newspaper

A Puzzle of a picture made from a picture mosaic

Books:
- Dirty Girls on Top by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez
- Uncle John's Curiously Compelling (Bathroom Reader)
- The Experts' Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do
- From Dead To Worse by Charlaine Harris
- Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (which I traded with my sister for another book I already had)
And a book that by coincidence happens to be by one of my favorite authors from when I was a teen. Which also happens to be 3 books from a series that I read and I just HAPPENED to not own those 3! I love when my dad picks up something random and it's SO the RIGHT thing :D Night World No.2 (includes Dark Angel, The Chosen & Soulmate) by L.J. Smith

In other news, now that I have a Visa Gift Card, I can open up my Etsy store now. YAY!!

Dear Santa

2009-12-16T12:00:00.006-08:00

Dear Santa,

I have been really good this year. Could I please have one (or a few) of the following

A laptop bag to hold my 15" Laptop (preferably something pink and pretty)

Gift Cards to any of these stores:

Future Shop

Walmart

Costco

Twist of Fate Yarns

Micheals

If your being very kind, I wouldn't mind DVD sets from the following TV shows:

~~Angel (season 4 cuz Jeremy Phelps still has mine)~~ Got it for myself

Dollhouse

True Blood

~~The Guild~~ From my sister

House (Season 4-current)

The Tudors

Battlestar Gallactica

Le Femme Nikita (season 2-end)

The Pretender (season 3-end)

Sex and the City (season 5-end)

Stargate SG-1 (season 3-end

The Big Bang Theory

Thank You and have merry Christmas and a Happy 2010

So worn out...

2009-11-28T19:20:00.004-08:00

It feels like I've been doing a million things, really I've only been doing about a thousand.

Being a nanny for 3 kids under the age of 6 is really tiring, and aggravates my sore back, which I still need to go get fixed either by massage of chiropractic measures. And knitting or crafting in general isn't as relaxing as one might think. Anything besides sleeping apparently uses at least one muscle that is related to the soreness that is my back.

The interesting part about my back pain is that it moves around. Right now it's a neck level, but last week it was lower down. And it switches sides. It's like I have a restless symbiont or something...

2009-09-29T00:45:00.002-07:00

Out of the blue
You got me so good
Saw your big goofy grin
And melted for it all over again
Gotta me singing to myself
So completely hooked on you
Wanna touch you and tease you
Kiss you, hold you, caress you
Laugh til my sides hurt
Fuck til the sun come up and then a little more
Something casual, something new
Something fun, for now that will do
Tell me all your dirty deeds
About the you I thought I knew
Each day just makes it more enticing
Lost all my inhibitions for you
Help me explore the bad side in me
The freak in the closet
Wants to come out and play with you

That Movies Was GREAT!!!

2009-09-17T20:46:00.003-07:00

I've been meaning to write things for awhile, but it was never anything more coherent than a Facebook or Twitter update, so I didn't bother. But I'm just in such a good head space right now, that I felt I had to share something, specifically something positive, with the world right now. Especially since my friend posted about how all people ever do on the internet is complain about their lives. :P

I just watched "He's Just NOT That Into You" and it was a lot better (more positive) than I thought it might be. I was quite sure that it was going to make me depressed, because the title is pretty much the statement of my life (and many other girls I'm sure), but they did it in a really funny way. And yes, it was rather predictable, but really, what movie isn't now-a-days.

Right now I feel a billion different things at once. I want to write a billion different thing here, that totally contradict each other, but I can't put them together in a way that makes sense, even to me. I feel inexplicably confident and happy right now, which usually can only mean that I am going to crumble and fall down deep rather soon, but for now I'll just enjoy the euphoria. However fleeting it may be...

Like a Bitch in Heat

2009-09-04T18:50:00.004-07:00

Why oh why do I behave like a bitch in heat whenever I like a guy? Seriously! I couldn't sleep last night because all I could think about was gettin him naked. It's totally redonkulous!! Not that it wasn't a pleasant thought, but I would have liked to get some sleep so I wouldn't be so bagged at work today.

Stupid boys!! Turn me into a crazy, hormonal 16 year old every time!! Especially stupid boys that are, well, stupid. If a girl out right tells you that she's into you, could you at least have the common decency to tell her out right if you are or not? I mean really! How many times must I complain about guys not having any balls!! I'm so fed up with the cat and mouse game of playing hard to get. I just wanna know whether you're worth my imagination or not. I mean really!! Just a simple yes or no. How hard is that?!?

What can I expect from the young-ins though...

But he's so cute, in that dopey kinda way...

*Edit to add that being horny makes me ridiculously impatient and how dare everyone Else's lives not revolve around the internet like mine does!!...

Life on Pause

2009-06-29T13:51:00.002-07:00

So... After a friendly call from my credit card company asking for money I don't have, I've been rethinking this moving thing again. It's just not viable at this time.

I've put a lot of things like getting a real job on pause because what sense would that make if I'm only going to leave in a month. Then one month turned into two, and now into three... And now I'm sitting here with absolutely no money wondering what the hell to do now.

I really wish I could just win the lottery and be rid of all this debt. I'm not greedy though, $20,000 should cover it. Then I'd be able to live the way that I want too. Happy and free.

Delays for Dollars

2009-06-13T09:45:00.002-07:00

So, I was originally planning on moving to the Calgary area the end of May to try to get a full time Nanny job and get my Early Childhood Education (ECE) part time starting in the fall. But then it was pushed back to the end of June so that I could continue to watch my current little munchkins until school was out.

Now, I'm incredibly poor, and someone finally called about the poster I had put up at my corner store in May. So now I'm staying until end of July, or so, because I need money to pay bills, and I haven't lined up a job in AB yet.

I've been excited about moving to Calgary, but also naturally scared that it isn't going to work out like I planned and I'll end up moving back home again. I'm hoping that starting off staying with my cousins will give me a better foot hold, and also a chance to spend some time with my quickly maturing teenage cousins. Although, they are going to be out at Mara Lake all summer, which is far closer to Kamloops, and makes me jealous because I wish I could be out there instead.

The good thing about staying is that means I'm not missing out on another Kamloops summer. I love summers here. And I can still indulge on all the fresh fruit and veggies growing in our garden, which I missed out on last year :(

Hand Painting Genius!!

2009-05-24T11:12:00.003-07:00

Yes, I'm a natural at hand painting Check out my lovely work:

Organic Wool

Alpaca, Mohair, Silk

Mmmm... Can't wait to spin it!!!

Yummy New Yarns

2009-05-10T15:49:00.004-07:00

Here are the 4 yarns I've spun up since getting my wheel last week.

The first one is Hand Dyed (not by me) Alpaca Top, plied with some pastel roving (I think Merino). So yummy and soft!

The second is the same pastel roving plied with some silk roving.

The third is the 2 New Zealand Combed Wool knots that I got from Twist of Fate. I spun the solid colored bits (coral, and 2 shades of pink) together and then plied it with the multi-colored stripy bits. It's so bright and cheerful!!

And the fourth is Hand Dyed (not by me) Punta Top plied with Silk from hankies.

As the Wheel Turns...

2009-05-06T21:58:00.002-07:00

My back hurts. It doesn't like it when I try to sit up straight for long periods of time. That's what happens when you slouch all your life. So why am I sitting up straight for long periods of time you ask? Because it's hard to see the amount of twist your putting into the yarn your spinning if you're all slouched back on the couch.

I think I might run out of fiber by the end of the week... (Ok maybe that's a lie. End of next week maybe.) I need to take pain killers and go to bed now... Will post pics of luscious new yarns latter.

Something About You - Jamelia

2009-04-30T11:04:00.003-07:00

Something About You - Jamelia

I could talk to you for days
You make me laugh one thousand ways
Not realizing (you fill me up)
Like hot water (in my tea cup)
I'm enchanted by your smile
I must admit it took awhile
For me to see that (this was something)
More than (he's my friend it's nothing)

I hope to god, you feel the way I feel
Cuz this could be amazing, something so super real

There's something about you and you don't even know it
I'm telling you now that you got me good
There's something about you and I can't help but show it
Damn it you got me good

Now I'm not alone
With you I'm home
I gotta let you know
You got me good

Your style, your voice, your points of view
The good, the bad, and ugly too
Boy I'll take it (give it to me)
I'll be careful (give it to me)
Addiction don't come close to this
Official is what this shit is
Still I can't say it
No I can't say that I'm in love

I hope to god, you feel the way I feel
Cuz this could be amazing, something so super real

There's something about you and you don't even know it
I'm telling you now that you got me good
There's something about you and I can't help but show it
Damn it you got me good

Now I'm not alone
With you I'm home
I gotta let you know
You got me good

I just wanna, be your all in all (all in all)
I just wanna be the one to make you fall (make you fall)
I wanna take you away
I want you to be ?????
I want you here with me forever be my holiday

Oh.. Yaa...
Let me take you away...
There's something about you!

There's something about you and you don't even know it
I'm telling you now that you got me good
There's something about you and I can't help but show it
Damn it you got me good

Now I'm not alone
With you I'm home
I gotta let you know
You got me good

You got me...
You got me good

I'm stumped...

2009-04-29T19:13:00.004-07:00

I can not even begin to describe what I feel right now. I want to express it somehow but I just don't know how. Which, coming from me, is rather odd I know. I can't even formulate a deep and meaningful poem.

Well... I can come up with a few lines, but nothing that significantly expresses anything close to what is floating through my head. I guess it's still to fresh and new. I need to ponder more. I know, I know... Still completely out of character for me.

Gaaahh!!! I need a sandwich!!! Mmmmm... mustard....

Tudor times...

2009-04-29T18:49:00.004-07:00

Oh, the pleasure of lazing about and watching the beautifully poetic "The Tudors"... I can't watch that show without having grandiose thoughts of poetry and those gorgeous gowns. I always get so plumped up by renaissance shows. So decadent and lush. So poetic and scandalous. Did I mention the lovely gowns yet?

I need to go right a horribly romantic poem now.... Here's one to start:

I dream of times long ago
Of Kings and Queens and such wondrous things
Of splendor and glamour
And the decadent wears of lords and their ladies

SLEEEPPP!!!!

2009-04-15T11:13:00.003-07:00

So, I'm out in Alberta visiting with fam and friends, and I CAN'T SLEEP!!!! I am SOO friggin tired. OK, so last night was totally my fault and I'm not going to talk about it, but Saturday night I couldn't fall asleep, Sunday couldn't fall asleep, Monday stayed up really late watching videos because I couldn't fall asleep. I've had MAYBE 3-4 hours a night, and by night I mean morning.

Also, I think that it really sucks that I have a camera on my laptop but can only use it for MSN not making cool video posts.

Also, I've had alot of sugar in the past 4 days. that maybe part of the reason why I can't sleep.

Also, my cousin is a super hyper bubbly bouncy 13 year old and I think it's wearing off on me...... Or it's the sugar.....

I need a nap and I know of someone else who needs one too :P

Happy Early Birthday to me!!!

2009-04-01T14:34:00.005-07:00

I got a present from my beautiful sister today. She loves me lots. She sent me yarn from Spain :) A big pink log that yes, does look like a penis, some variegated pink rayon and some recycled Sari.

Oh my Quad!!

2009-03-31T17:04:00.002-07:00

After not going to work on Sunday, I was trying to help my dad do stuff out side, which is very hard because he is so persnickety about doing things, and so he offered me money to rip up the deck around the garden. And while we call it a deck, it's actually just a raised wooden pathway around the garden (which is also raised). He wants to rip it up and just put gravel down so there is not a huge gap for critters to be running around undetected.

So I was ripping up planks, which he of course had the use screws to keep down so it's really tuff work, and the next day i noticed how sore my quads were and being typically blond it took me awhile to figure out why. After working on in more today, I understand why. I just spent all day doing quad dips. I sure as hell hope my ass looks great when I'm done this project, cuz it sure hurts right now. I'm gonna go soak in the tub so I can still walk tomorrow....

I woke up this morning...

2009-03-29T17:41:00.004-07:00

and I didn't feel like going to work. So I didn't. I guess I just quit. Maybe I'll be nice and go in tonight to tell them that, and to clean out my locker. Now I gotta find a new job that will let me have days off to babysit...

Oh, also. I have no tongue ring anymore. A ball came off the other day and I decided last time that happened that if it happened again, I was just going to leave it. So I left it. I have a whole tongue again, I wonder what I can do with it?

One Step Closer...

2009-03-28T12:17:00.004-07:00

I finally got my Auth # to start the transfer of my domain name. Now I've had to send in a another complaint that I haven't received the email from them letting me acknowledge the transfer on their end, which is the last step. Then I am free to use the stuff I got through Go Daddy, including some web space and a thingy that sets up web pages for you (so I don't have to do all the work).

I should get the pics I took of the River bank last week up on flicker as well. But it's my one day off for the week, and I am content lazing around and doing um-teen loads of laundry. If the clouds would go away, I would take some pictures of the flowers that are starting to bloom now....

Oh Blogger, how I have missed you...

2009-03-26T10:45:00.002-07:00

My stupid domain registrar is being retarded and won't let me transfer to the new one I signed up for. So, I've had this set to be shown on a none existent site, because I am in limbo right now. So I put it back as blogger hosted for now. I'm getting furious. I need to go have a shower before I have to go to the work that I hate.

Later

Opening Up...

2008-11-16T00:22:00.002-08:00

Opening up and telling people how I really feel has always been a hard thing for me to do. I've always been a people pleaser. But I decided last year that I was going to start opening up and being brutally honest. Sonetimes it works, but most of the time... not so much.

There are certain people I would love to just walk up to and say, " You know what, I don't like you." And there are many times that I feel the need to open up and tell someone how I feel, and in turn aask them how they feel. And guys, here's a hint: If a girl asks you if you like her, "Sure?" is not ever an appropriate answer. Like, PLEASE!! It's not like I'm asking if you LOVE me or not!! It would just be nice to figure out if you are actually interested in me, or if you're only there cuz it's convieniant for you.

And on that matter: After 8 months of playing around, why can't I ask that? I deserve a little respect for still hanging around even when you act like an ass. And I do deserve the right to know whether you are even worth spending my time with. When asked if I have a boyfriend I would like to be able to at least answer, "No, I don't have a boyfriend, but I am seeing someone." It's not like you're the only one I have to choosse from ya know...

Um... update

2008-10-21T01:40:00.004-07:00

I've been told by a friend that I must post a new blog, and looking at the date from my last one, I'd say it has been awhile.

So, I'm back in the 'loops. And much happier for it. I've got what already seems like a great job, but I've only been there a month so we'll see ;)

Turns out my cat got flees, probably in Van. I was devistated to hear that. I didn't even know!! How bad do you think I feel?!?!

I'm living at James' with his mom, which is OK except it's a tiny trailer and she's quite the talker and sometimes you just want to be alone, or actually hear the show you are watching...

Um.... ya.... It's late and I don't know what else to say right now except: I hate how conservative my town is...

Don't Forget To Say You're Sorry

2008-08-12T00:10:00.003-07:00

Don't forget to say you're sorry
You know how easily you make the girls cry
With your sarcastic laced words
And your devil may care smile

Don't forget to say you're sorry
When you snarl a rough reply
You may mean it at the time
But the girls not the reason why

Don't forget to say you're sorry
If they catch you in a lie
They're hooked on all your sweetness
And there are better ways to say goodbye

Sugar High

2008-08-04T18:27:00.003-07:00

I lost the war
Your sugar proved too sweet for me
And now I've got a cavity

I've got such a sweet tooth
I'm so easily hooked on boys like you
And my heart gets broken everytime

But the sugar high melts away all the pain
And makes me feel so good
I can't resist another taste

Good Advice

2008-07-25T21:49:00.004-07:00

With so many people out there ready and willing to give you their two-cents on anything and everything, how do you know what advice is good advice?

I've recently had a few friends who have told me a few snippets of wisdom, that aren't purely advice, but more questions you must ask yourself in order to come to your conclusion. One such snippet was "Do what makes you happy." It sounds simple enough, but how many of us put the happiness of others before our own only to end up miserable ourselves. I'm not saying disregard everybody Else's feelings to gratify your own, but every now and then you've got to step back and go "I am I doing this to please someone else, or because I want to do it?" or even "Am I NOT doing this just to please someone else, when I'd really like to?" This sentiment goes hand in hand with something another friend has said "Who are you trying to please? Your friends? Your family? It doesn't matter what other people think as long as you know you are doing something that is right for you."

And these things have been said to me time and time again, but now that I've distanced myself from the protective bubble of friends and family and have looked back on just how much my actions are geared around trying to make other people like me, or just to fit in with something, I've come to realize that all it's been doing is making me stand out even more. Because I'm not doing what I want to do, or saying what I want to say, I'm letting my parent's shoot down every idea that I've ever had about what I want to do with my life. I've let my friends decide which bar to go to even thought I never like the one that they pick out.

I got upset when my father told me that moving back home is a stupid idea and that there is nothing for me there. And I'm sure his intentions were meant to signify that he thinks I should give Vancouver another shot and that maybe i just met more people and made some more friends the things would be better. The thing is, Vancouver is not my final destination. This move out here was to get away and clear my head, and really to prove that I could make it on my own. I've been trapped in my protective bubble for so long, that I'd become scared about the notion of living alone. But, it is time to officially fly the coop. And so what that I've decided to venture out on my own back in the same old city I just moved from.

I've learned on many occasions that my heart lies in the desert valley where two rivers, their names both Thompson, meet.

I'm a Dreamer, Not a Goal Setter

2008-07-17T22:34:00.003-07:00

You ever feel sometimes like you missed a step in life? Like there was this important class that taught you everything you needed to know about how to get on in life, and for some reason, whether you got the date wrong, or you blew it off thinking that you didn't need some stupid class to tell you how to live, you totally missed it?

I mean, there are plenty of people out there that have their shit together. Tonnes of people that know what they want out of life and how to get it. Of course, I don't know any of them personally... but, the point is there MUST be some out there. Right?

My problem is I'm not quite sure what I want out of life. Or more precisely, which thing I want at what moment in time. I have too many hopes and dreams and am too ready to alter them to fit my current whim. I quite seriously want to be the Math Scholar, The Rock star, The Stay-at-Home Mom, The Wild Child, The Put-Together-Sexy-Secretary, The Career Student, The Life-of-the-Party, The Wallflower. It's all me, all different sides of me.

And I've always hated making decisions. I'm a firm believer that picking just one is unfair to all the rest. I don't have just one favorite band, I have two and a whole lot more that come in at a close second. I don't have just one favorite color, movie, kind of pop or flavor of ice cream. I was given a very cute and cuddly bunny one year for my birthday and I slept with it neatly tucked under my arm, just like kids do in the movies, but after a few days, I realized that it was unfair to all my other stuffed animals, and if I wasn't going to sleep with all of them on my bed, then I couldn't have any. I should probably not mention that I was well over the age of ten at this time, in fact I was over 18.

Who was it anyways that said that we could only be one thing in our lives? And why does the world make it so hard to try and be all the things you want to be? Sure there are somethings that are all perfectly planned out. If you want to be a doctor you go to Medical School; a lawyer, Law School. But where do you go that teaches you how to be a Rock star? How to be the free spirited Wild Child that flutters from job to job happy as a blue jay? Or how to find a a guy that actually likes being around you even when your at worst?

How Depression Helps You Stay on a Budget

2008-07-16T21:58:00.002-07:00

1. You use less energy by not turning on lights because all you do is sleep.
2. You don't want to go out so you don't spend money at resteraunts or the movies, and the gas or transit to get you there.
3. You save on groceries because you lose your appitite, or are too lethargic to make anything.
4. You don't care about your hygine, so you save on hot water.
5. If your a girl, you use less make-up because you don't care how bad the bags under your eyes look.
6. It curbs your shopping habits, especially if your depressed about not having money because spending it would just mean that you have less of it and therefore have more to be depressed about.
7. If you're cold you just pile some more blankets on the bed and save on heating.
8. You use you phone less as you become more withdrawn and distant from your friends.
9. You also save on energy bills by unplugging anything that makes noises or has lights to make it more silent and dark to sleep better.

It's so sad, but so true...

Lisa!! Drop The Scissors!!

2008-06-22T20:58:00.002-07:00

So, I chopped at my hair again. It's shorter, but I'm not finding it totally cool yet. But then again I haven't really played with it much yet...

We'll see. I need to get it colored again too, but I'm too lazy and broke to drive back to Kamloops to get it done right now.

Friend or Foe?

2008-06-22T20:32:00.002-07:00

Lately, I've been learning new sides to my friends, and some of them aren't too pretty. Like the responses to my Prince Charming post from my friends that were SO off base it's like they weren't even listening to me. They just heard the same old "Oh, poor little old me doesn't have a boyfriend" whine, and responded in turn with comments like "You don't need anyone, you have your self!" or "We love you and will always be there for you!" And while such comments are appreciated, they were not helpful in the least.

That post was not about wanting someone to come and sweep me off my feet. It was about not needing that, but at the same time needing someone to point me in the right direction and giving me some hope because right now I'm a little lost and am on the brink of giving up (sometimes, not all the time). And telling someone who is depressed and has very little love for themselves to look inside for the love and support they need is naive, to say the least.

Or the friend who kindly asked if my "hitting the bottle a lot lately" was wise considering my medication. To which my immediate response was "What!?!?" I have no idea where she got the notion that I've been drinking my face off, but there are definitely far better ways to ask that question. In fact, I'm still so mad at her for that, that I've kind of been avoiding her lately, just because I know I will respond with something that is going to make her mad, and then there will be a big fight, and it will get very messy... So I'm trying to calm down about it and think of a reasonable response, but I just can't right now.

It's strange that in trying to find yourself you find out things about your friends that make you re-evaluate how much they influence the decisions you make. How much influence do your friends have on you?

Stud or no Stud?

2008-06-15T10:18:00.003-07:00

So, I was chompin down some crackers the other day, and I swallowed one of the balls from my tongue stud. Normally, I would just throw on one of my spares and not think about it until it happened again. But, all my spares are back in Kamloops, and I'm not quite sure where I can get a new one fast down here.

As I was going through the options in my head, the thought came up that I could just take it out and be done with it. It's kind of nice being able to feel my whole tongue.

So the question remains, is it time I retire the tongue stud?

Why I Think I would Make a Perfect Girlfriend

2008-06-13T11:07:00.003-07:00

I'm cool
I'm funny
I'm smart
I'm pretty
I don't mind if you go hang out with your guys
I like to spoil those I love
I don't need flowers everyday to know you care
I don't care about how much money you make, as long as you enjoy your job
I love sex
I don't eat like a bird
I like Action movies
I'm the perfect girl to bring home to mom and dad

Oh, and I don't cheat. That's a major one, and I totally forgot it. Jeez!!

My PostSecrets...

2008-06-08T21:11:00.003-07:00

Because I don't feel the need to do the anonymously, or post them on the fan page. And because hardly anyone reads my posts so I might as well be saying them to myself...

I've come to terms with the fact that my mother will die sooner rather than later.
I get more emotional thinking about how my father will cope with my mom's death than the prospect or her death by itself.
I feel extremely lonely and like I have no one to talk to, even though I know I have many friends and family that care for me deeply.
I think my parent's cared more for my sister than for me because she was smarter.
I would rather talk about being depressed, taking anti depressants, and seeing a psychiatrist than talk about the wounds on my arms and legs.
I sometimes feel like a meth addict when picking at my skin.
I've always felt that I may have been sexually assaulted as a child.
Sometimes, I wish I was religious so that I had something to believe in.
I don't believe in god because I don't trust the human race not to lie.
I've wished that I was suicidal, just so that I could get it over with, because in reality, I'm not.
I feel guilty about not staying up all night with my dog when he was dying.
I hated my parents for moving us when I was 12. I loved where I grew up and sometimes wonder how I would have turned out if we had stayed there.
I don't like where I live.
I have no idea why I'm 29 and still single.
I wish more of my friends would read my blog so that they would know I was lying when i tell them that I'm OK.

When I grow up, I want to be:

2008-06-02T01:02:00.002-07:00

So for the past few years I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out just what the hell I want to do with my life. I've always dreamed of being famous, so now that reality is staring me in the face, I realized I have to figure something out that is a little more down to earth and practical. Because lets face it, the closer you get to 30, the lower your chances of randomly being discovered as the newest, bestest, born to be a celebrity sensation are.

So I was thinking very hard about this as I was driving the highway towards my hometown, and you know what the only for sure thing I could come up with was? That I want to be loved, married and have babies. As long as I have that, I could give a rats ass what I do for a living (well not entirly true). And yes, for some girls this is a perfectly acceptable career choice. Some girls work thier tiny hinnies off working to get just that, married and pregnant. My problem is not only do I want the "love" part, but I also can't stand not doing anything. As much as I would love to be a kept woman, I wouldn't be able to stand it. Staying at home with nothing to do kills me. I HAVE to work. I HAVE to feel like I am contributing to the household. I even feel really guilty when my very generous (and far more financially capable) friends take me out for dinner and drinks and pay for anything. Mostly because it's my guy friends and I'm hoping that they don't think that they're gonna get something out of the deal by doing that, but most of them are just great guys who like treating people close to them as special. But the point is, I DO feel guilty.

So that's it. I want to be married to some wonderful guy and have a couple of babies and live in a great house, that I can make a beautiful home. I want to go camping in a crappy little trailer during the summer, just like I did as a kid. I want to come home from work to a home full of love.

That's what I want now. Because really, I never want to grow up. That doesn't seem like it would be much fun.

Why You Should Not Go Watch Sex and The City When Your Depressed, Single, and Lonely:

2008-06-02T00:56:00.003-07:00

It makes you think your life in even more a big pile of crap than you did yesterday.
It makes you cry even more than you already have this week.
It gives you hope about a perfect fairytale ending which just makes you feel worse that you don't have that.
It makes you really wish you had Carrie's closet.
It makes you wish you were as great looking as those damn hot 40 year olds.
It makes you wish you had closer relationships with your best friends.
It breaks your heart. Over and over.

That's all I can think of right now....

Prince Charming can take a leap, I Need a Life Guard

2008-05-23T13:00:00.002-07:00

I've decided that I don't need a Prince charming to come along and slay my dragons for me. I don't really have any, so there's no point. I need a Life Guard to come and fish me out of the ocean.

Let me clarify. After highschool it's like your thrown out into the ocean, but you're not completely alone, you're in this big group and you have lots of floatation devices to keep you afloat. And as the years go by, people drift off on thier own, some can't swim at all and sink, and some of those dingys have been patched up a time or two. You still have hope that one day you will reach land, and then you've got it made.

Recently, I just flung myslef out of my super comfy dingy, and feel like I'm swimming out there all by myself with no land in sight. And sometimes, there's a part of me that just wants to give up on treding water and let myself sink. I've lost hope that land is near, or that I can swim that long anymore.

Hence why I need a Life Guard. To throw me a rope and toe me back to shore.

Poor Little Pussy

2008-05-22T07:30:00.003-07:00

Everyday I am faced with the dilemma: How much whining can I put up with before I give up and let my cat outside?

To make this simpler I have created some rules such as: Not when it's dark; Not before work; And very little if it's raining (she hates getting her paws wet).

But now that the weather is turning nice, I feel bad about cooping up my cat inside all day until I get home from work. I could open up the window and she could squeeze through the bars and come and go as she pleases, but then again, so could anything else small enough to fit through the bars. And even right now, I have the window cracked open an inch and it's driving her crazy that she can't get outside (and believe me, she is trying).

The problem stems from the fact that my cat is a huge attention whore (aw, just like her mama), and loves to interact with all the people that walk by. Except for the dogs, she hates the dogs. Even the ones that are smaller than her and she could so take in a fight.

One solution is getting her a playmate, but my place is far too small to have 2 cats, and Muffin is jealous enough for my attentions (she resents my computer and boyfriends), that I'm sure that would not work out well. And anything else, she would eat.

Oh what to do, what to do with my poor little pussy....

Ask and You Shall Recieve

2008-05-19T22:58:00.001-07:00

It appears as though I really DO NOT need the world to shit on me as I AM perfectly capable of screwing up my life on my own. Fancy that.

Good idea: Going out and getting drunk with an old friend.
Bad idea: Hooking up with an old friend while drunk.

Mostly a bad idea because, as I have mentioned before, I SUCK at dealing with hook-ups. And if it had been somebody else, than things could continue on in the predictable fashion (IE: Boy says he'll call, boy doesn't call, girl freaks out, boy never talks to girl again), but no. It had to be the friend that you've known since Elementary school, that became a good drinking buddy in your teens, and has always been an all round great guy. Such a great guy in fact that you're having a harder and harder time understanding why a girl would want to cheat on him and leave him after X amount of years. Such a great guy, that you can already tell that it's gonna be really hard to not fall for him even under normal circumstances, which in my reality, never exist.

On the one hand he's like one of your best friends, and you really don't want to lose that because you made a mistake when you were drunk and lonely. On the other hand, you're lonely and he's a really great guy that you've known for like, ever, and have had a minor crush on throughout the years. This is one of those situations where you actually wish that the sex had been bad, so you have a very good reason to never do that again, and then you can still remain friend,s and just never talk about "that night".

So now I'm have to figure out how to process this information in my head, and stop thinking about it before it drives me crazy. Oh, wait... I forgot. I already am crazy!

Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know

2008-05-04T21:04:00.002-07:00

How does one become less insecure? Oh! I know!! Stop handing out my heart to any stupid guy that walks by!! That might help.

But that's easier said then done, now isn't it. Apparently you're not allowed to have hope that one day, one of those idiots will be your "Prince Charming". You're not allowed to believe that somewhere out there, there is a guy that is perfect for you and will need/want you as much as you do him.

Actually, I should cut out the want part. They all want me, they just don't need me. They want me cuz I can pretend that I'm really cool and fun, but as soon as we hit the sheets I become one of "those" girls. The one's that get all clingy and crazy when you casually walk away the next day, the type that actually believe every word you say and expect you to follow through on it.

The only thing with me is that I've been through it so much, that I expect it and quite often stubbornly refuse to let that happen to me. I've been blown off so many times by guys that don't have the balls to even say it didn't work out for them, that I will poke and prode to try to get a response out of them. Which of course only makes things worse. All I want is for them to grow some balls and let me know that it's over...

Creative Conflict

2008-05-02T17:53:00.002-07:00

You would think that being depressed or recently dumped would be outrageously good for my poetry writing, yet I have written hardly anything in a year or two. Which is funny considering I keep saying that I am in need of a creative outlet to help me deal with my emotions. My problem is I don't feel like doing anything. It's even a lot of effort just to write a blog. I can think up stuff in my head and go, "I should really go blog this!" but I don't want to go to the computer and type it out, or I'm in the car or at work and just can't at that time. Yet everything else that I used to do as a creative outlet, I find uninteresting or requires too much effort.

The majority of people who are depressed don't feel that they can do anything because they are worthless and such, I don't want to do anything because it requires moving and thought. Does that make me just lazy? I've been so depressed some days that all I want to do is sleep because it requires less effort and I don't have to think about anything, my sub-conscience does it all for me. I just don't want to think some days.

Maybe because it's thinking that gets me into this trouble in the first place. I think too much. I over-analyze just about everything. I always have to think of the different out comes that this choice could have, or what if this happens, or what if I had done this differently. My brain is filled with what-ifs from pathways that I never will follow, just in case. And knowing how things could have been had everything been "perfect" makes me sad...

To Buy a New or Move an Old

2008-04-30T19:19:00.003-07:00

TV that is. I have a perfectly good TV at home. A 28" I do believe, that i got a few years ago when I worked at Walmart, and it works great, it's nothing fancy though, it doesn't have picture in picture, or HD, but it works, and that's good enough for me. Except it's bulky and heavy, and there is no way I can lift it alone, so moving it out here in my car is out of the question. So I either have to wait till I have enough room and can convince my dad to come down with a load of crap in the Van, or I could buy a new TV, preferebbly something lighter (ie: Skinnier). There are a few decent sized one's that I could get for under or around $600, but do I want to fork out the cash for a shiny new LCD flat screen TV?

Confessions of a Crazy Girl

2008-04-29T22:55:00.002-07:00

I don't like to do hook-up's. I suck at them. I can't remain emotionally detatched, and there for always do get attatched, and then never know how to act the next morning. "Did he not enjoy himself? Is that why he seems more distant today?" "If I play it too cool, will he think that I didn't enjoy myself?" "If I act too cuddly and happy will he think I'm like that psyco clingy chick from The Wedding Crashers?"

Then there's having to deal with the ride home. You can usually fake some chit chat while in the car, but how do you say goodbye? Should you kiss, hug, say "Thanks, I'll see ya later!"

The whole thing is just far too stressful for me. Especially if it's a guy that you do like, but you don't entirly know what the situation is. A guy that you know you'd get along great with cuz you totally dig his sarcastic side, and can act totally retarded around because he's gonna act the same way. Someone who you've known for awhile, and you've been flirting up a storm for the past few weeks, but don't know very much about them as a person. Then there's the whole paranoia issue: Dude!! This guy you used to have a thing for is now chasing you like mad. Is this some kind of very cruel joke? He has the same freinds as your ex, there must be something fishy about it. And if there isn't, you're so gonna screw this up somehow. Cuz that's what I do. I fuck things up by being over analiytical, or super clingy...

World on a String...?

2008-04-13T18:45:00.003-07:00

Isn't it funny how the ones that people admire most, the ones people think must have the world on a string, are the most fucked up?

Most of my life, I've heard how pretty I am, how smart I am, that I would make a great catch. Yet I have yet to find someone who acts upon that. Here I am, 29, pretty, funny, smart, single, and supposed to be having the time of my life. And all I want is for things to be simple and laid out for me, to be happily married with little children, have a cute little house, and to know that everything is going to be dandy. I was so born like, 30 years too late. I know I would be in my hay day if things were as they had been in the 50's.

But now, at the supposed "peak of my life", I am surrounded by loving friends and family, I feel so utterly alone and isolated. And I don't know why. I don't think myself as unworthy. I know I have the love and support of many, but still that does not seem to comfort me. Even on such a nice day as today, when my caring Uncle helped my sister and I move some of her boxes into storage, so that I can have more space in my new place, something that I've desired greatly, I am so utterly low.

Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired, or hungry, or lacking in some vitamin or another. Or maybe it was watching the great love scenes, on The Tudors. even watching the religious turmoils on The Tudors has me upset, and I totally agree with the direction that the king took, in moving away from the greediness and corruption of the Roman Church during that era. Almost makes me wish I was religious in some way. Which is just absurd.

Although there have been a few times when I have inwardly cried out to someone, something, to ask why I feel as I do, why I feel so unloved, when I know full well that there are many that love me dearly. I feel like my whole life i have been promised love, but have never truly received it. I totally blame Hollywood for making Love seem so glamorous and wonderful, when really it can be truly cruel and painful. And making it seem as though love is "The One" and "Forever" when love can be fleeting and temporary. That one day a prince will come and sweep you off your feet and carry you to his castle.

Is it wrong to want to be a simple house wife? Is it even more wrong to want to be a 50's house wife because of the cool outfits? :)

Is it wrong to just want someone to except me for who and how I am? To want someone to put their arms around me and make me feel safe, wanted, loved, and protected?

Is it wrong to not want to feel like your heart is broken almost every day?

And I do realize that I have expressed these feelings before, and I know that there is nothing anyone can do for me to make me feel better. I am just being suffocated by these feelings right now, and feel the need to express them to someone, anyone, yet no one in particular, as I do not feel the need to burden anyone with my melancholy mood swing...

A Small Sense Of Stability

2008-04-10T23:33:00.003-07:00

I have acquired a small sense of stability in my life. I have found a place to live. Well, I've decided to take over my sister's place, as trying to find something that is within the same price, as close to transit and amenities, and lets me keep my cat, is proven very difficult and time consuming. Time which I don't really have... With working full time and the stress of not having a permenent address, having TONNES of clutter in my space, gotta do the dishes, gotta do laundry, gotta go grocery shopping, I'm stressed to the max. So, now I have one thing down, and on Sunday our Uncle will be helping to move most of Sara's stuff into a storage locker, and then I can actually breathe in this place without bumping into anything.

Not to mention, more space for things I like :)

Another year...

2008-04-07T15:58:00.002-07:00

Another day, another year, another number on the cake. Good thing I don't look older than 25 :D

3 more Days!!!

2008-03-31T19:18:00.001-07:00

3 more days and I get to go home!! Yay!! Not for good though :( Although I am quite enjoying myself out here on the coast, it just isn't home. Well, at least not yet. Maybe after I've been here for a few months, and have a place I can actually call my own, and have my kitty here to keep me company at night, then it will feel more like A home. But Kamloops is still home home.

And it's my birthday on Saturday!! YAY!!! I get to become a cougar in training!! At least I'm a damn hot 29 year old. That's one thing to enjoy. The being single part, I'm still not sure about. it's Ok, but not really what I want. I'm getting to that point where girls can make really stupid decisions based on what they wanted for thier future when they were young, and not based on what is good for them right now. And right now, not being in a relationship is definitly better for me. Please remind me of that next time I say I found the perfect guy...

Man, I have this throbbing headache that is so from my walk up the hill from the bus stop. Sometimes it is really hard to breathe going up that hill. I don't know why, there is no congestion in my lungs, but it still feels heavy to breathe. And my sternum hurts too. And my throat from the breathing. I should go to the doctor... Maybe...

Looking Up?

2008-03-28T22:47:00.003-07:00

Hello! How are you? I am fine. Thanks for asking.

Things seem to be looking up right now, but maybe I'm just high on my meds and sleep deprived, who knows... I feel... better. I suppose getting out of the house and doing stuff is helpful. I still kinda feel isolated, but that's because I don't even have my kitty to keep me company at night. And, my body is screaming for a nice HOT relaxing bath, but I no have-y bath tubby :( I can't wait to go home next Friday, snuggle with my kitty, and plunk myself into the tub. Sans kitty of course, she really hates that thing...

The new job is good, I'm already doing a stellar job, like always. Now i just have to be able to answer people's questions about what kind of foam would be best for thier needs. Which sometimes is hard to guess as most of them don't really know what their needs are.

It would also be nice to finally feel settled, which is very hard as I am staying at my sister's with all of her stuff. I've moved it, stacked it, and glared at it with all my might, but it still just looks like a pile of junk cluttering up a tiny space. I think I'm going to have to convince her to go through it, and put most of it in storage for right now. As it is right now, there is no way that her landlady will willingly want to show the place. It looks very much like a slum hole. A very well educated slum hole, but still... You know what I found today while I was rooting through the cupboards trying to make better use of the space in them? A potato. A potato growing up INTO the wall. And the sad part is, I have this feeling that it's happened before. I'm having some serious Deja-Vu about this whole situation.

So ya, it would be nice to have most of my sister's stuff out of here so I can get some normal stuff in here. Like, a bed off the ground. Or an actual TV Stand. Or even better yet, how about a kitchen table and some freakin chairs to sit on. You want to know what there is to sit on right now? The bed, which is a futon and a tonne of blankets on the floor, a computer chair, and a couple of floor mats. i have to watch my DVD's on my laptop, which sits onto of an empty box, while lying in bed. Which isn't terribly bad because at least then I'm warm from being under the covers.

So, anybody know anyone in Vancouver looking for a roommate? Besides me that is....

Don't Want to Say Goodbye

2008-03-23T21:05:00.004-07:00

As the pain comes and goes
So does the desire
To rush into your arms
And beg for once more

I did not see this coming
I did not know the longing
Would give me such dispair

I don't want to say goodbye
I've cried and cried and cried
And can not find the solution
To make my heart stop breaking

I saw the tears you cried
As we waved and said goodbye
And the memory
Tears me up inside

I'll try to carry on
Into this new conclusion
But leaving you behind
Was never my intention

Rescue Me

2008-03-23T20:55:00.002-07:00

The dark, the dark
The ever invading depths
Of such a deep dispair

Distain for life
Yet hunger for touch
Where is the light that guides?
I feel it no more

Shut the door to the world
Don't want to smile any more
But need the love of the world
To fend off the tremors

So alone
In perfect solitute
Of my own design
Lost the key to that door
Need someone to rescue me

Here I Come!!

2008-03-23T08:29:00.002-07:00

When I outta say no!!

Got to go see Dragonette the other night, which was AWESOME!!! The first of many concerts I will get to see now that I live in a music hub.

Yes, that's right, Lisa got a job!! It's not particullarily a spectacular job, but it's easy and it pays good. I'm going to be following in my little sister's foot steps and be working at The Foam Shop. I start tomorrow in a location that I still don't quite know where it is, but that's OK. As long as they allow me my few days off to come back to the loops to celebrate my B-day, and pick up things that I am missing. Like my kitty.

I miss my little puss-puss something fierce. I'm sure the fact that my sister has cat that looks almost identical to my baby doesn't help. That and I am alone in this closet all day and night and could sure use her cuddley company.

The good thing is that with all the time I have, I've been able to arrange my sisters crap in such ways as to make room for my crap, and create more floor space. And storage. It's not really her fault, she hardly spends any time here and so hasn't taken the time to focus on how to best use what little space she does have. And appearently I've watched enough HGTV shows to have ideas about how this can be achieved. Mostly with many trips to IKEA, but also just with some rearranging and purging. Which is the hardest thing to do for a pack rat family.

Just because you know it's for the best,

2008-03-15T13:04:00.003-07:00

Doesn't make it hurt any less.

The inevitable has happened. I knew that it would come eventually, I just didn't want to accept it. Me and my boyfriend have split. It was semi-mutual, meaning that I knew we probably should, I just really didn't want to.

It's hard to want to let go of someone who is so close to being exactly what you've been looking for. And despite his indiscretions in the past, he is a really nice guy and will one day make some girl really happy. It's just that girl isn't me, and that's hard to bare. Especially when you've spent the last year hoping, praying, and demanding that you get a nice guy. I feel I totally deserve to be finding Mr. Right by now. I've been a good girl, and I've put up with a lot of shit. I think karmic-wise I deserve it by now.

On another note, I have now moved down to Vancouver. It seemed best that I go right away, since the only thing that was keeping from going, was now out of my life. That, and I'm a sensetive one, and wouldn't be able to bare driving past certain places without bursting into tears right now.

So now it's my sisters job to keep me entertained, and gainfully employed. Well, at least make sure that I get off my ass and go out and look anyways.

Now, if only I had an army and a HUGE trash bag, so that I could clean up her tiny closet of an apartment. Or find a better one of my own....

Vancouver?

2008-03-09T18:08:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking of moving to Vancouver. My sister lives down there, and I miss her, and I could really use the change of pace and scenery. She has an apartment down there, which we always call here $500 a month storage locker, because she spends most of her time over at her boyfriends house, and basically is just keeping the apartment to keep all her crap in, because his place is just as tiny as hers, but with more walls. They are finally going to be officially moving in with each other when his lease is up too, which will be nice. So for right now, I have a place to live.

The job market down there is also a lot better than it is here. There are lots of warehouse jobs and such, things that I would be interested (good) at doing.

And because my sister has been down there for a couple of years now, she has a good network of friends, that I will get along with too, seeing as half the friends I have now, were hers to begin with. We always end up hanging around the same type of people, which the same morals, values, and such. So much so, that all of our friends get along with each other too. We can through a party and invite all of our friends that don't know each other, and it's pretty guaranteed that a lot of them will leave with some new found friends.

The only things really holding me from running down there right now are:
My boyfriend, the comfort of my best friends, the comfort and inexpenses of living at home, and the fact that I love this little town that I grew up in and don't necissarily want to leave it.

My best friends will understand and support me no matter what I do (that's why they're my BEST freinds), I have lived on my own before and do enjoy it, and my sister will help me by paying the rent on her place until she moves, and I could always move back home after gaining some more experiences.

The boyfriend issue is a little more complex. I have to talk to him about whether or not he even wants to continue the relationship, much less change it to a long distance one, or try to convince him to move down there too. It would give him more job opportunities too, and there is always the option of moving back.

There is still a lot of things that need to be thought about, talked about, and ironed out before I can make any final decisions though....

I want Bigger Bubbles

2008-03-07T21:06:00.002-08:00

All I want is more bubbles.

For some reason the water at my house does not like making bubbles in the bath tub, even if I put in gobs or bubble bath. I've tried bath salts, baking soda, different bubble baths, and I still only get a meager amount of bubbles. We even had a water softener before, and still NO BUBBLES!!!

So, I have been looking for one of those massage jet things that you can place on the side of your tub, and it will inject air into the tub and there for make with the bubbles, but apparently, the only place you can find such things now is on EBay, and bidding on some of them is around $100. Which considering websites are listing them and discontinued and no longer available, regular $40, is ridiculous.

Why is it that whenever I know what I want, I can't find it?

Gym

2008-03-05T17:36:00.001-08:00

It's never a good idea to go to the gym when you haven't gone in a couple of weeks and all you've eaten so far today is a sandwich. There is no way you can last 30 min on the tread mill without wanting to pass out....

Man, am I gonna be sore tommorow.

Sometimes I wonder...

2008-03-05T12:24:00.006-08:00

Sometimes, when I am sitting on the couch beside my boyfriend, I wonder if he's thinking of her instead of me, and maybe that's why he doesn't touch me. And sometimes I wonder if the only thing that stops him from being with her is her age.

And if when I'm staying over and he isn't there I have to really fight the urge to snoop through his computer to check to see that he hasn't emailed her recently, or if she has sent him anything else on FaceBook.

Really, I want to secretly block her on his Facebook and then I'd send her an incredibly mean message about how he chose me over her, and that contrary to her belief, I do NOT take every minute I spend with him for granted. In fact I cherish every minute I spend with him. And rue every minute she spends with him.

In fact, I'd tell her:

Stop emailing, texting, messaging, and Facebooking my man. That's right, MY man. You're too young and can't have him. He chose me over you already. I gave him the option to walk away, and he chose to stay with me. So no more or your whiny, snivelling "I miss you". And especially none of your "Hi Handsome!" or "Did I do something to upset you cuz you seemed really mad at me at work today?" And certainly no more "My life sucks so much that last night I sat in the bathroom with a bottle of pain killers and just wanted to end it all." Get over yourself. You're 16, this is not the end of the world. Your life can't possibly be that horrible, unless what your feeling is guilt. Guilt that you're secretly trying to manipulate your supervisor into an incriminating position. Or guilt that you are going out with a guy in the hopes the he will help you try to get over your supervisor. So why don't you take his advice and get on with your life? And stay the fuck out of mine. Oh, and get your own fucking ride home bitch!!

On a side note: Thanks a lot to the freakin asshole that commented that I deserved to have my boyfriend like a 16 year old more than me, and that he was probably cheating on me with her too. I do happen to trust my boyfriends moral judgement enough that he would not cross that line with her. Being that she is far younger than him and he is in a supervisory role, he knows the consequences that would follow and so does she. Yes, he's a stupid guy that thinks that having an emotional relationship with a girl other than your girlfriend is OK, but he is smart enough to know when to draw the line. In fact through out the whole ordeal, it was never a matter of me trusting him, it was the issue of not trusting the 16 year old girl. I've been that girl. I know what it's like. And in a strange way, I feel sorry for her and well as hate her.

Spring!!

2008-03-04T13:52:00.004-08:00

Have I mentioned how glad I am that the snow is melting and it's gotten warm enough outside, that my cat will go out and play? I am very excited. This means that I don't have a ball and chain hanging around, cutely pawing at my arms for some attention when I'd rather be doing mindless things on my computer. Mostly, because she doesn't actually like to play. She just wants you to pay attention to her. If you try to play with her, mostly she just looks at you like you're crazy and have no idea what your doing.

I compare it to playing with a 4 year old, and your doing it wrong because you don't know all the rules because they just made them up in thier little heads, so you might as well give up now rather than continue being yelled at by a child... That's what it is like trying to play with my cat.

The good news is I'm feeling happier today. It could be the incredibly sugary drink that I just had, or the copious amounts of sleep I've had in the past few days (although, admittidly, I probably will still have a nap today). Or it could just be the fact that I get to go see my baby tonight. Even though all we do is watch TV, it's nice just to have someone to cuddle up to and just have all your cares in the world melt away. It's like that really satisfyed feeling after some good sex.

I'm not ready

2008-03-02T22:56:00.004-08:00

Truth be told, I don't want to go out and find a job. Not because I'm lazy. Not because it scares me. But because I don't feel that I am ready to deal with not being myself again. Last year was really hard on me, I took alot of stress and was really drained, and it really rocked me to my core. So much so that I became seriously depressed, and finally went to my doctor about it. And even though I am taking medication and seeing a therapist, I still feel like there is alot of issues that I haven't overcome or dealt with yet. I still don't feel like myself.

But how can I be 28, almost 29, living at home and unemployed? I can't! I have to go out and make myslef some money, to pay down the debts that I have amassed. And it's not like I want to live at home forever. I would love to move out on my own, but I feel like I am never going to afford to. I can't make enough money to pay down my debt and live the lifestyle that I want to live.

I am in a never ending circle and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to make myself happy with who I am right now, and the circumstances that I am in. I'm scared because I don't know what my future will bring. I've spent so much of my life dreaming of what I could do or what I'll become, and I am nowhere near any of that. I've had all my dreams shattered, reality has sunk in, and I am lost. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to be.

How can I move on with my life, if I don't know which path I am on?

How does one "Scrapbook"?

2008-03-02T20:53:00.003-08:00

I've fought the urge to join the millions and millions of "Scrapbookers" a billion times. Everytime I walk into a craft store I am bombarded with pretty papers, scissers, accessories, and cases. Yes, thousands of cases to keeps all your pretty little papers in. I've wanted to try it, but do I really have the time? Can I be creative enough to arrange pictures and paper cuttings in such a fashion that it looks fashionable, yet uncluttered? I really don't know. Hence why I've avoided it so far.

It is an expensive hobby. Not the most expensive I'm sure, but definitly one of the ones that will have you buying loads of stuff that you use once, give up and toss in a cupboard for "when you have more time".

My house is filled with suck things. My mom sewed our clothes when we were younger. We did tonnes of crafts as kids, and then as time goes on, things other than cutting and glue paper become more exciting.

I recently just spent an hour in our "sewing room" (which has now become more of a "throw your junk in here" room) just throwing out stuff that we will never use. Old patterns, old fabrics. Alot of zippers of many very ugly and useless colors and lengths. When am I ever going to need a 50" beige zipper? Never!! I tossed alot of stuff that was probably about as old as I am, some of it passed on down from my grandma. I filled a green garbage bag. I'm not even close to being done.

And all just so that I could get a filing cabinet. Well, so that I could clear a path to the other cupboard that my dad will use to hold his printer, and then I can take the filing cabinet that he is currently using for that purpose. He still hasn't gotten around to that. Procrastination and clutter collecting runs in our family....

MY life as it is...

2008-03-01T10:08:00.003-08:00

My life right now, is far more relaxed than last year, even though I have no job, my boyfriend has outright told me that he likes a 16 year old girl from work more than me, and I am constantly switching between being so depressed that I don't want to get out of bed, and forcing myself out of bed with such enthusiasm that it's like I'm not depressed at all. It's oodles of fun being bi-polar! Even if I am only mildly so. It still counts. It totally does...

So now I have to go out and look for another job, which I have. I hate the whole process of pretending to be better than you are so that other people will like you. It's even worse for me because I have to convince these people that I adore customers and waiting on their every need.

When in truth, I hate people. Not all people, just society as a whole. If you break the world down into basic groups and generalize them all, I hate most of them. I hate arrogant people who insist on making retail workers their personal maids. I hate people that are so wishy-washy that they can't make any decisions on their own and are always asking you which would be the right one. I hate teenagers who think they are better than everyone else. I didn't get along with teenagers when I was one, and I certainly don't get along with them now. I hate people who think they are better than you, just because you are trying to work a decent honest job in the service industry. I hate people who are so dumb they don't even know their own shoe size. Like, how are can you go to a store and try on shoes, and NOT know your own SHOE SIZE?!?!?

Working in retail, I have concluded that 2/3 of the human population can be down-right STUPID, especially when it comes to shopping. And I do not make any excuses for the many many stupid employees out there too. I have worked with far too many a girl who was completely useless at their job, and were it up to me, would have been fired long before their probationary three month period.

Well, that's my rant for right now. I'm gonna go eat some breakfast...

Spring Clearance!! Everything must go!!

2008-03-01T00:04:00.004-08:00

Incase you haven't noticed, it's out with the old and in with the new again. This time, though, I'm feeling very uncreative and don't feel like wasting all my time, so I'm simply going to Blog for awhile.

And yes, I was encouraged to do soafter watching the premier episode of Quarterlife. And the fact that although I've had a website for over 10 years now, It's never really been very personal. It's always been filled with poetry, and music, and things that I love, but never really filled with me. So here we are. "angelinarose.com" stripped of all it's fancy and glitter to reveal me, Lisa Farquharson.

What's New Pussycat?

2007-10-19T16:13:00.001-07:00

Well, well, well. It's been awhile. Hawaii was awesome!! I Got to go surfing on my birthday! I had a blast. Coming back to work was hard and it just kept on getting harder. So I quit. Now I'm taking some courses and after having a month off, I'm starting one of my new jobs next week. The other one I start the week after.

Right now, I'm trying to get around to reading my text book, which is really hard as economics os SO INCREDIBLY boring!! That and I have the whole house to myself and I can't seem to drag my butt off the couch. Even though I am throwing a party tomorrow and still have to clean up my basement and 2 bathrooms!! I'll pull it all together last minute I'm sure. That's how I like it appearently. Everything last minute. Is procrastination an inherited trait, or just a learned skill?

Oh, ya. And I'm planning on remodeling the website too. Cuz I don't have enough things to do already....

Oddly Lucky Week

2007-03-04T07:35:00.001-08:00

This week I: got invited to Hawaii, got a new cell phone and can get a free 4GB memory card that I can also use in my camera, and got a promotion/raise at work.

I sceptically wondering where all this good luck has been hiding, and why it decided to come out in the same week. I'm also wondering if it's all used up now, will continue, or I will now have to deal with a back lash or bad luck to counteract it.

My Aunt is going to Hawaii April 2-9th, and as it is over my birthday, decided it would be cool to invite me to come along. I have to pay for my airfare and stuff, but I have a place to stay if I wanted to go. My parent's then said they would pay for the airfare as a birthday present for me. I'm like, well, when else am I gonna get the chance to go to Hawaii, except after I'm old and married and the kids have all grown and moved away.

I then got promoted to Assistant Manger at my job. This includeds a $1 raise. My first day at the new position, I was left alone in the store for 3 hours, and then had to train a new guy (yes, guy in a girls clothing store so you can imagine that I had to teach him ALOT), all while the store was fairly busy. I also managed to do 111% of our plan for that day, and sold 4 prestige cards. Depending on how they did on Saturday, it will be the best or second best day all week.

The cell phone, just I was browsing them and got convinced to get it. I got a Sony Ericson W810i. It looks like a camera on the back and a phone on the front. Takes good quality pics too, with options that are just like my Sony digital camera so I totally understand them already. It plays MP3's at the push of a button, and is just generally snazzy. AND because I signed up for the 3 year service plan, I get a free 4GB Memory Stick Duo Pro, which is the same kind that goes in my Song digital camera. So now I can take TONNES of pictures in Hawaii with my camera or my phone.

I wonder what will happen next?

Why I shouldn't be left alone with a pair of scissors at 4am

2006-12-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

I chopped like 5 inches off my hair last night. I got tired of the fried ends and took out a pair of scissors. I then had to layer it, which took some consideration, more time, and alot of pulling hair. And there was a HUGE amount of hair in the garbage when I was done.

I then had to have a shower today to see if the layers did my curls any good. Which, they do. Of course I sure did miss that extra hair in the shower, it's so much shorter, I kept running off the end of it expecting there to be more still.

And now I have some cute new pics with my new do, and I'm splattering them everywhere.

So, Um... Question...

2006-10-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why, do guys pretend to still be interested in a girl after the hook-up? Why put in all the effort of pretending you'll call back? Why not just lay it down how it is? You had fun, but it's never gonna happen again. Ta Da!! No lies!! No effort!! Break her hopes now instead of later. It'll hurt her less and she'll think of you as a jerk, not a lying asshole. I just don't understand the need to keep the act up if your not gonna go for the follow through. There is really no need for it.

On that note, yes, I did get shut down AGAIN. By someone I actually kinda know, which should have been reason enough NOT to go home with him. But I was rather drunk and he had been listening intentivly (OK he SOOO wanted me all night, I could tell) most of the night, and he seemed to be rather OK, more so than I would have thought anyways.
And when I called him, he sounded interested in hanging out again.

But then, alas, he did not call. It's a good thing we weren't actually friends and the chances of seeing him again are slim to none. Well, except for the reunion next year...

K, switched to a Blog

2006-10-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've decided to switch my journal to a blog instead of Live Journal mostly cuz I can have more control over the look, without paying for the "upgraded version". With Live Journal you're supposed to be a paying customer to have it embedded on your website and to have total control over how it looks. Where as, with Blogger I can do whatever I want and don't have to pay a thing. So, really the choice is a no brainer. Plus I already have 2 other blogs on my website, so might as well make it 3 and keep it all at the same place...