Life on Pause

So... After a friendly call from my credit card company asking for money I don't have, I've been rethinking this moving thing again. It's just not viable at this time.

I've put a lot of things like getting a real job on pause because what sense would that make if I'm only going to leave in a month. Then one month turned into two, and now into three... And now I'm sitting here with absolutely no money wondering what the hell to do now.

I really wish I could just win the lottery and be rid of all this debt. I'm not greedy though, $20,000 should cover it. Then I'd be able to live the way that I want too. Happy and free.

How Depression Helps You Stay on a Budget

1. You use less energy by not turning on lights because all you do is sleep.
2. You don't want to go out so you don't spend money at resteraunts or the movies, and the gas or transit to get you there.
3. You save on groceries because you lose your appitite, or are too lethargic to make anything.
4. You don't care about your hygine, so you save on hot water.
5. If your a girl, you use less make-up because you don't care how bad the bags under your eyes look.
6. It curbs your shopping habits, especially if your depressed about not having money because spending it would just mean that you have less of it and therefore have more to be depressed about.
7. If you're cold you just pile some more blankets on the bed and save on heating.
8. You use you phone less as you become more withdrawn and distant from your friends.
9. You also save on energy bills by unplugging anything that makes noises or has lights to make it more silent and dark to sleep better.


It's so sad, but so true...

I'm not ready

Truth be told, I don't want to go out and find a job. Not because I'm lazy. Not because it scares me. But because I don't feel that I am ready to deal with not being myself again. Last year was really hard on me, I took alot of stress and was really drained, and it really rocked me to my core. So much so that I became seriously depressed, and finally went to my doctor about it. And even though I am taking medication and seeing a therapist, I still feel like there is alot of issues that I haven't overcome or dealt with yet. I still don't feel like myself.

But how can I be 28, almost 29, living at home and unemployed? I can't! I have to go out and make myslef some money, to pay down the debts that I have amassed. And it's not like I want to live at home forever. I would love to move out on my own, but I feel like I am never going to afford to. I can't make enough money to pay down my debt and live the lifestyle that I want to live.

I am in a never ending circle and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to make myself happy with who I am right now, and the circumstances that I am in. I'm scared because I don't know what my future will bring. I've spent so much of my life dreaming of what I could do or what I'll become, and I am nowhere near any of that. I've had all my dreams shattered, reality has sunk in, and I am lost. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to be.

How can I move on with my life, if I don't know which path I am on?