How Depression Helps You Stay on a Budget

1. You use less energy by not turning on lights because all you do is sleep.
2. You don't want to go out so you don't spend money at resteraunts or the movies, and the gas or transit to get you there.
3. You save on groceries because you lose your appitite, or are too lethargic to make anything.
4. You don't care about your hygine, so you save on hot water.
5. If your a girl, you use less make-up because you don't care how bad the bags under your eyes look.
6. It curbs your shopping habits, especially if your depressed about not having money because spending it would just mean that you have less of it and therefore have more to be depressed about.
7. If you're cold you just pile some more blankets on the bed and save on heating.
8. You use you phone less as you become more withdrawn and distant from your friends.
9. You also save on energy bills by unplugging anything that makes noises or has lights to make it more silent and dark to sleep better.


It's so sad, but so true...

Creative Conflict

You would think that being depressed or recently dumped would be outrageously good for my poetry writing, yet I have written hardly anything in a year or two. Which is funny considering I keep saying that I am in need of a creative outlet to help me deal with my emotions. My problem is I don't feel like doing anything. It's even a lot of effort just to write a blog. I can think up stuff in my head and go, "I should really go blog this!" but I don't want to go to the computer and type it out, or I'm in the car or at work and just can't at that time. Yet everything else that I used to do as a creative outlet, I find uninteresting or requires too much effort.

The majority of people who are depressed don't feel that they can do anything because they are worthless and such, I don't want to do anything because it requires moving and thought. Does that make me just lazy? I've been so depressed some days that all I want to do is sleep because it requires less effort and I don't have to think about anything, my sub-conscience does it all for me. I just don't want to think some days.

Maybe because it's thinking that gets me into this trouble in the first place. I think too much. I over-analyze just about everything. I always have to think of the different out comes that this choice could have, or what if this happens, or what if I had done this differently. My brain is filled with what-ifs from pathways that I never will follow, just in case. And knowing how things could have been had everything been "perfect" makes me sad...

World on a String...?

Isn't it funny how the ones that people admire most, the ones people think must have the world on a string, are the most fucked up?

Most of my life, I've heard how pretty I am, how smart I am, that I would make a great catch. Yet I have yet to find someone who acts upon that. Here I am, 29, pretty, funny, smart, single, and supposed to be having the time of my life. And all I want is for things to be simple and laid out for me, to be happily married with little children, have a cute little house, and to know that everything is going to be dandy. I was so born like, 30 years too late. I know I would be in my hay day if things were as they had been in the 50's.

But now, at the supposed "peak of my life", I am surrounded by loving friends and family, I feel so utterly alone and isolated. And I don't know why. I don't think myself as unworthy. I know I have the love and support of many, but still that does not seem to comfort me. Even on such a nice day as today, when my caring Uncle helped my sister and I move some of her boxes into storage, so that I can have more space in my new place, something that I've desired greatly, I am so utterly low.

Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired, or hungry, or lacking in some vitamin or another. Or maybe it was watching the great love scenes, on The Tudors. even watching the religious turmoils on The Tudors has me upset, and I totally agree with the direction that the king took, in moving away from the greediness and corruption of the Roman Church during that era. Almost makes me wish I was religious in some way. Which is just absurd.

Although there have been a few times when I have inwardly cried out to someone, something, to ask why I feel as I do, why I feel so unloved, when I know full well that there are many that love me dearly. I feel like my whole life i have been promised love, but have never truly received it. I totally blame Hollywood for making Love seem so glamorous and wonderful, when really it can be truly cruel and painful. And making it seem as though love is "The One" and "Forever" when love can be fleeting and temporary. That one day a prince will come and sweep you off your feet and carry you to his castle.

Is it wrong to want to be a simple house wife? Is it even more wrong to want to be a 50's house wife because of the cool outfits? :)

Is it wrong to just want someone to except me for who and how I am? To want someone to put their arms around me and make me feel safe, wanted, loved, and protected?

Is it wrong to not want to feel like your heart is broken almost every day?

And I do realize that I have expressed these feelings before, and I know that there is nothing anyone can do for me to make me feel better. I am just being suffocated by these feelings right now, and feel the need to express them to someone, anyone, yet no one in particular, as I do not feel the need to burden anyone with my melancholy mood swing...

I'm not ready

Truth be told, I don't want to go out and find a job. Not because I'm lazy. Not because it scares me. But because I don't feel that I am ready to deal with not being myself again. Last year was really hard on me, I took alot of stress and was really drained, and it really rocked me to my core. So much so that I became seriously depressed, and finally went to my doctor about it. And even though I am taking medication and seeing a therapist, I still feel like there is alot of issues that I haven't overcome or dealt with yet. I still don't feel like myself.

But how can I be 28, almost 29, living at home and unemployed? I can't! I have to go out and make myslef some money, to pay down the debts that I have amassed. And it's not like I want to live at home forever. I would love to move out on my own, but I feel like I am never going to afford to. I can't make enough money to pay down my debt and live the lifestyle that I want to live.

I am in a never ending circle and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to make myself happy with who I am right now, and the circumstances that I am in. I'm scared because I don't know what my future will bring. I've spent so much of my life dreaming of what I could do or what I'll become, and I am nowhere near any of that. I've had all my dreams shattered, reality has sunk in, and I am lost. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to be.

How can I move on with my life, if I don't know which path I am on?